The Best Computer Games Ever!

These are the 10/10 computer games I've played. If humanity is destroyed and aliens show up to find the art we've made, I would like them to stumble upon these, along with the best books and films and songs.

Portal (PC or XBOX 360 versions)

If there's a perfect game, then it's probably Portal. If you can find a flaw in it, then you're probably insane. Not even the legendary British critic Ben "Bingo" Croshaw could find anything bad in it.

Portal is a first-person-shooter-puzzle-game. Seeming like it'd be an interesting extra in Valve's Orange Box, it ended up taking the super hardcore gaming crowd by storm, putting them all into song (I'm not kidding) and telling each other existential cake "jokes." Some people even considered it "the Citizen Kane of gaming;" although once we learned that we didn't know what that means, that merit died.

What I remember most fondly about Portal is not its unforgettable antagonist, nor its puzzles (which I've forgotten). What I remember best is that the game got me emotionally distraught over a block with pink hearts painted on it.

Portal 2 (PC or PS3 or XBOX 360) 

I've told friends that this one's "even better than Portal even though Portal is perfect and this one's not." And thus I am silly. But that doesn't change the fact that Portal 2 is wonderful. It's even funnier than Portal and has this undefinable Pixar magic to it, defined as: "when it ends, you feel like humanity is totally worth it (the 60 bucks, that is; plus the tax; best to wait till it's on sale)." P2 features even more great characters (including Portal's insane antagonist). And it expands upon its shoot-portals-at-walls-and-go-through-portals-to-reach-new-halls gameplay, with goo! Three colors of it!

The Binding Of Isaac: Rebirth (and any expansions) (PC) 

Many critics claim The Binding of Isaac's too hard, but you can ignore them. Why? Because, for one thing, it is a scientific fact that said critics are bad at games; and for another, the game is hard because its game designer loves you. Originally, Mr. Edmund McMillen wasn't going to sell it; he was going to put it on the Internet for all for free. But someone convinced him to sell it, so he made it available for download for $5.00. And it is almost thoroughly great; and otherwise good.

The Binding of Isaac is, what my friend called, an arcade something. In it you play as a naked child escaping his mother who is out to kill him for religious reasons. He flees to the basement, which happens to be akin to the circles of Hell. Full of bloody monstrosities, Isaac (or other playable stars from the Bible) must fight, shooting their tears and accumulating items which boost your powers. And like any good RPG, the items not just boost your stats, they make big visual changes on and around the child. You can get extra powers (super in nature) and then eventually use them on your Mom (in the game). And when you die, you lose everything (in real life) and have to restart from nothing.

Bastion (PC and XBOX 360)

Another action RPG that is so-not like action RPGs which are so-defined by Diablo II, Bastion is an indie game and the best game from 2011. Yes, even better than Portal 2.

You play as an anime, water-colored boy in blown up world, bits of which come up from an abyss to form the path you walk. I mean: you'll be walking toward nothing, and tiles and grass and walk-on-able stuff will come from nowhere. Plus you get to kill things.

Sexiest of all is the voice that narrates your doings. It speaks intelligent words -- a good thing in a narrator -- and when I say he narrates your doings, I mean, you'll be doing something, and it will almost certainly get narrated. But do not think this sounds annoying; he speaks in a voice that sounds like an Isaac Hayes version of Tom Waits.

World of Goo (Wii version)

Imagine a puzzle game in which you move lots of goo balls and in which the cutscenes are anti-consumerist, anti-stupidity, anti-people cartoons. Truly something to enjoy with your friends, on your Wii. Do this and you'll understand....something. How this game makes my list I still don't know. Next!

Half-Life 2: Episode 2 (PC and XBOX 360 versions)

One day, Gordon Freeman, genius and M.I.T.-educated physicist, was doing his boring, quotidian, top secret research in a New Mexican canyon, when all of a sudden he accidentally opened up many portals of alien invasion. Subsequently Earth was taken over by aliens, and it was all Gordon's fault! Luckily for you, you get to play as him! And your job? To save what's left of the human race in a guns-blazing attempt to say "sorry."

Half-Life 2: Episode 2 continues his apologizing in an Eastern European forest of all places. It's a perfectly-paced first-person shooter. It is a beautifully-graphicked adventure. It is a character-filled, story-telling thingy. Play it!

Super Meat Boy (PC and XBOX 360)

It's a lot like Super Mario Brothers, except that: it's ludicrously challenging; you mostly play as a cube of meat; the antagonist is a robot/suit-wearing fetus; you can't kill much of anything; practically the entire EVERYTHING can (and will) kill you; and there's plenty of blood and poo. Super Meat Boy might be the best indie platformer ever, right up there with-

Cave Story (PC and Wii)

If you haven't played Cave Story, then google it, download it for free, and play it. If you don't like it, then you suck. Or maybe you just don't like it. That's cool.

Left 4 Dead 2 (PC version) 

Many people debate whether we should love this one because - one - it is a sequel to a game quite similar - and two - it doesn't really capture the "zombie apocalypse ethos" more than the "action game" one. But all you need to know is that none of that matters. Play this game with your friends, work your way up to Expert  Realism difficulty, and say "aaaaah" (or scream). I can say "ah" because, thanks to this cooperative shooter, I've personally killed 23,876 zombies, and that's not including the ones in Left 4 Dead 1! Genocide is wunderbar!

StarCraft 2's Multiplayer (PC and Mac) 

If I had all the time in the world, I would still play this. No game (or activity in general) puts me into the frantic state of flow this one does. It's about balancing good decisions with actions-per-millisecond, measured in actions per minute. Plus it looks spiffy. Great artwork, and almost all the units do what you'd want the AI to do. StarCraft also sports a darling community, made so darling by their ceremonial, pre-game message of "GLHF" and post game message of "GG." I still have no idea what it means; but I respond with the same. Although come to think of it, I wonder if the other players even know what it means. Maybe we're all just programmed to type those things; maybe they mean nothing......

(Latest Version of) Street Fighter IV (PC, XBOX 360, PS3) 

It's like Street Fighter II, but way better. Play it with your friends, and not with yourself.

Unreal Tournament (PC version) 

Unreal Tournament is ultraviolent, profane, frightening to parents, and great in general. Released in the final November of the last millennium, it would become the prime competitor, in the arena of arena shooters, of Id Software's Quake 3 Arena, which itself was released just a few days later. Back then, we PC gamers would have embarrassing, shameless arguments over which was better; Id's game would win the graphics engine part of the argument; Epic Games's would win the gameplay mechanics argument. And now nobody plays either.

God of War (PS2 and PS3)

"My name is Kratos! And I'm pissed!" Boobs and blood and gore and Greeks. God of War is the best God of War-like. Yes, I compare it to itself, and not because of its uniqueness (Devil May Cry, Bayonetta, and Rocksteady's Batman games share with it many similarities). I compare it to itself because it's better than those other games. And no, it's not really like 300. The writing's actually fine. And the story even throws in an anagnorisis (google it). (I just googled it, and it turns out that it doesn't have an anagnorisis...)

Resident Evil 4 (Many Systems)

Secret Service Agent Justin Bieber Hair must save the president's teenage daughter from the world's most evil corporation in a gothic, zombie monster town in "Spain."

Freespace 2 (PC)

Pew, pew, lasers.

Okay I'll write more. This space fighter and bomber sim had battles even bigger than this! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khIWdolT9xY, and graphics that look like that! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZuA9zvxs0Q

Unts. Unts. Unts. Unts. Don't worry, that music's not in the game. But what is in the game is the best space sim ever made, ever. And if that sentence doesn't make you want to play it, then these should: the dev that made 1999's Freespace 2 is the same dev that does Saint's Row. And that big laser in the cinematic? Well, the game has even BIGGERER ones. And yes, I am trying to sell you this game (it was so-well critically acclaimed, yet sold little more than 30,000 copies :( The game plays well with mouse and keyboard.

S.W.A.T. 4 (PC)

Despite Freedom Force, S.W.A.T. 4 is Irrational Games's funnest game.
Despite Operation Flashpoint: Cold War Crisis, S.W.A.T. 4 is the best tactical shooter ever made.
Despite the original StarCraft, S.W.A.T. 4 has nothing to do with StarCraft.
Actually, it does! For S.W.A.T. 4 definitely has real-time strategy (I think). Criminals will move around, and you'll need to make a series of tactical decisions. You have to give your S.W.A.T. members orders. You get to pepper spray people. You get to shoot them. Both! Although my favorite thing is tazering people in the face. High scores go for arresting everyone, preferably alive.

The Rock Band Games (the consoles)

One of the best drinking games ever. What you do is get three friends to take the roles of the band behind their plastic instruments. And every time you fail a song, everyone has to take a shot. Play until you've beaten all the songs anyone on the band even remotely likes.

It's also fun to play the Rock Bands with children.

Counter-Strike: Condition Zero (PC & MAC)

The best version of the best team vs. team shooter. Play it.

Papers, Please (PC & MAC & Linux)

The best game of 2013: this game is the equivalent of reading a novel about living under a pseudo-communist dictatorship. Plus the game part of the game has you playing as a passport stamper, and yet be fun! An instant classic, and even more: the biggest kick in the face to the soul-destroying big games industry. Cheap graphics, cheap music, cheap everything made by one guy. And all that cheapness was superior to the expensive artwork and games "design" of the big games industry.

The Sims 2 with expansions (PC and MAC)

It may not be a game, but it is a life simulator. It can be a lot of fun to watch. It can be a horrifying reflection of life. It's the ultimate doll house, so good that even guys like it. It even proposes a philosophical argument. A flawed one? Perhaps, but still a compelling one. I'm gladdened by the fact that this product is one of the best-selling PC titles of all time.

(NOTE: Many may find that The Sims 3 is the best iteration of this series; I personally will not know.)

THE END (But to be continued...)