Why I Don't Want to Finish a Zelda Game

I don't care that The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time has a metacritic score of 99/100. I loaded up my old save file today and was immediately bored. The game's writing is too boring, its combat is too obsolete, and its graphics are too crap.

I am convinced that the people who reviewed Ocarina of Time in 1998 were boring and/or they were being threatened by Nintendo and/or they were pandering to a reading audience of children.

And as I look at videos of later Zelda games and later Zelda story-telling, I just don't want to play ANY Zelda game. Why, after Devil May Cry and God of War and Ninja Gaiden Black and Bayonetta and the Rocksteady Batman games, would I want to play any 3D Zelda game?

The catchy music?

Uh no, I can just tune into my local community college radio station and hear music that kicks the ass of practically every video game song ever made, including all the Zelda ones.

The puzzles?

The puzzles I played in the first half of Ocarina of Time were clever (assuming a puzzle can be "clever"), but not fun. So no.

The unoriginal story?

No.

The creative, brilliant level design?

Not enough of an incentive.

Then why not just play a 2D Zelda game?

Because I watched a middle-aged Japanese guy play through A Link to the Past's most epic moments.

Do you like chocolate?

Sometimes.

So there! I'm not playing a Zelda game (unless someone pays me to).