The Olympics are boring.
The fastest man in the world cannot outrun a cheetah. Sharks swim faster than Micheal Phelps. Team sports are mere sports. And athletes winning and not winning medals do not show how awesome their countries are.
Tribes: Ascend, however, is awesome.
Imagine a first-person shooter. Good. Now imagine one in which you're zooming around a large map at one to three hundred miles per hour using a "skiing" mechanic (going down slopes speeds you up). Imagine you have a jet pack that quickly recharges whenever you don't use it. Now imagine this as a red vs. blue game. That's Tribes: Ascend. And it's free to play. Why even read this review? Just try it! There's nothing like it. If you don't like it, then at least you'll have done something new.
"But game critic! Everyone knows Free-To-Play isn't REALLY free-to-play."
.....What?
"We mean that in free-to-play games, if you're willing to spend money, you can buy perks that make your whatevers stronger than those of non-spenders?"
.....And?
"That's not fair!"
Okay, yeah, you do level up certain bad-assifiers faster by spending some cash. But why care? The game is fun and free. It's not to be taken seriously. And it's so fun being in a close match, while shooting and skiing at 200 miles per hour.
".....Wow, that sounds awesome!"
Penis.
Ah, I have one complaint: when you're on a team that's really losing , the buzz gets killed. But even then, if you play well, you'll still get XP, which you can use to purchase stuff that, if you wanted sooner, you would have paid cash for; it's unfair; but, well, this isn't exactly the world's elites stealing from us we're talking about.....Or maybe it is. Maybe this game was created specifically to distract our children from studying enough to compete with the prep school-prepped inheritors of the control of the human race.
Erm. I mean - it's just Tribes: Ascend.
Tribes: Ascend features capture the flag, team death match, domination (think Unreal Tournament, where the idea is to hold parts of the map, and the more parts you hold the faster your team's score goes up); there's also a mode called "Arena," which I didn't get to because one has to reach level 8 to unlock it.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Is Diablo III Worth Playing Knowing That Expansions Are Coming?
Uh. I don't know. Just remember to play Diablo III, over skype, with friends. And only play the Hardcore mode.
In review, to make playings of Diablo III worth it, you'll need:
1) VoIP conversation
2) With Friends
3) In Hardcore Mode
If you're missing even just one of these, don't play Diablo III, it's a fucking waste of time!
In review, to make playings of Diablo III worth it, you'll need:
1) VoIP conversation
2) With Friends
3) In Hardcore Mode
If you're missing even just one of these, don't play Diablo III, it's a fucking waste of time!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Driver: San Francisco (Singleplayer) Review
DON'T GET THE PC VERSIONS OF THIS GAME AND ANY OTHER GAME BY UBISOFT. HERE'S WHY.
Driver: San Francisco is another big-publisher, actually-good game that not enough people played.
Don't let its obvious driving-based gameplay make you think, "Oh, another run-away from the police and racing game, yay whatever." This one's not derivative! How exactly? Well, for one thing, it features not-shit writing. It also has a silly story. It's about an actually-original protagonist who is a driver and in coma; most of the game you play in his coma dreams. In those dreams he gets the power to possess almost any other driver in his imagined San Francisco. The conversations he has with people riding shotgun are wonderfully awkward.
Contrast this plot scenario with that of most other racing games:
Driver: San Francisco is another big-publisher, actually-good game that not enough people played.
Don't let its obvious driving-based gameplay make you think, "Oh, another run-away from the police and racing game, yay whatever." This one's not derivative! How exactly? Well, for one thing, it features not-shit writing. It also has a silly story. It's about an actually-original protagonist who is a driver and in coma; most of the game you play in his coma dreams. In those dreams he gets the power to possess almost any other driver in his imagined San Francisco. The conversations he has with people riding shotgun are wonderfully awkward.
Contrast this plot scenario with that of most other racing games:
Illiterate Protagonist Male With Sexy Body: "I'm a special, underground car-driver who races on tracks and/or in the streets, yo!"
Antagonist: "I have stolen your fake money and your hot ass virtual woman!"
Protagonist: "I'm going to win at least twelve hours of races and maybe escape from police a bunch of times, eventually getting my stuff back in order to promote materialism; and then I'll be famous to imaginary people! Or, if there is no antagonist and nothing has been taken from me, I'm still going to become the best racer and promote materialism and narcissism!"
Driver: San Francisco promotes saving San Francisco from criminals, via vehicles, whilst in a coma. And the dialogue is quite good.
[Note: I played Driver: San Francisco in Spanish, and the characters spoke really fast, so don't take my word on the good-dialogue-ing without a grain of salt; in fact, don't take my review without a grain of salt.]
[Note: What does that even mean? "Take X with a grain of salt." I mean, salt is....salt. Seriously, I don't understand what I wrote.]
[Note: What does that even mean? "Take X with a grain of salt." I mean, salt is....salt. Seriously, I don't understand what I wrote.]
"How does the protagonist, named John, save S.F. whilst in a coma?" You ask. Well, that would mostly involve spoilers, but part of the answer lies in the game's not-famous "shift" mechanic. Basically how the mechanic works is, you zoom the camera out from your car with the right stick, you find another vehicle, and you press the "possess driver" button. You can zoom out really far to get an airplane's view of the city, and of course you can zoom back in so that you can actually see vehicles. It's fun dropping into vehicles and crashing them into others.
Just ignore the sidequests. They are basically more of what you'll be playing in the main story line. They are useless fat, and despite being that the game encourages you to play them. It encourages you in two ways: one, by not letting you listen to most of the game's fun, independent music while driving in the main quests; two, by rewarding you with fake money and new vehicles that you don't care about.
You can get the song list here and listen to them on YouTube.
You can get the song list here and listen to them on YouTube.
And, unless you just feel that there's not enough DRM in your life, don't get the PC version (See first paragraph). The PC version lowers the frame rate after each CGI cinematic on my computer. This automatically means it will slow down on your computer, forcing you to restart the game now and then. It is Ubisoft's way of encouraging PC gamers not to play games too long in our bad-for-our-backs seating position, and it's annoying.
Day Z Not-Coop, Between Days 2 and 3
In days 1 and 2 we spent five hours getting killed. So today (yesterday) I decided I'd accumulate items by myself, so that when we co-oped again we could begin a long, danger-less, forest-filled trek to the east coast. Over there we'll meet my friend's friends.
Upon joining a server I appeared west of the capitol. I got shot at once at a military airfield, but he missed and lost track of me. I then sneaked into the eastern part of the capitol and raided a supermarket, an apartment complex, a fire station, and some player's (virtual) corpse.
Here's what I collected: enough food for two people to survive for five hours; enough soda for two people to survive for four hours; a new, camouflaged rucksack, a canteen, two injectors that revive unconscious people, two hunting knives, a hatchet, a compass, a watch, a makarov pistol with lots of ammo, an AK-74 SU and 90 of its bullets, and a tent. I got more stuff in less than an hour than my friend and I did in five hours.
The lesson: If you spawn next to Cherno, loot Cherno and escape before you get eaten and/or shot.
I sneaked out of the city to a forested hill next to some power lines. There we'll re-meet.
Upon joining a server I appeared west of the capitol. I got shot at once at a military airfield, but he missed and lost track of me. I then sneaked into the eastern part of the capitol and raided a supermarket, an apartment complex, a fire station, and some player's (virtual) corpse.
Here's what I collected: enough food for two people to survive for five hours; enough soda for two people to survive for four hours; a new, camouflaged rucksack, a canteen, two injectors that revive unconscious people, two hunting knives, a hatchet, a compass, a watch, a makarov pistol with lots of ammo, an AK-74 SU and 90 of its bullets, and a tent. I got more stuff in less than an hour than my friend and I did in five hours.
The lesson: If you spawn next to Cherno, loot Cherno and escape before you get eaten and/or shot.
I sneaked out of the city to a forested hill next to some power lines. There we'll re-meet.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Day Z Coop, Day 2
In my opinion, this day was quite good, but in my friend's opinion, this day was quite gay.
We spawned on a forested hill. Towards the north, where we headed, the hill dropped into a clear valley. Well, clear except for a highway, plus eight buildings surrounding the highway.
The first thing we did was accidentally anger zombies. They ran up the hill to eat us. I told my friend, "Don't worry. I got this with my makarov pistol."
I ended up not having this with my named-after-a-fish pistol. After clearing those zombies, my health was reduced to under 5,000, which meant seeing the world as a blurry white. My friend still had 7,000 health.
We snuck into the non-village. There we found nothing and agreed to go to the largest city on the East coast. We needed a hospital, bloodpacks. We crawled north, across the street, and hid a moment in a backyard. Between that building and the next forested hill, to the north, was a clearing roamed by twenty zombies. We decided to crawl through them. "This is like frogger." My friend said.
I replied something like, "Don't worry! I am an expert at sneaking past zombies. Just keep crawling; they won't see us."
Of course they saw us. I ended up using half of my fish ammo.
After I got eaten, my friend, who had escaped, got lost and bored. He realized that the game was really REALLY unforgiving, and noted that, when you aren't in danger, it is a "running-through-the-forest simulator." This observation is full of truth (in that it is true), and it underscores the importance of having a helicopter.
Eventually he reached the east coast, and I respawned (over and over for twenty minutes) on the westernest part of the southern coast. He followed railroad tracks till reaching a town with cranes. Once there he decided to climb a building, and, in an attempt to reach another building, by running over a gap between the two, he fell and died, lol. He also broke his legs (in the game).
After many respawnings, he respawned just east of the capital city, which is located in the center of the southern coast. We decided to meet each other in Cherno (i.e. the capitol); our reasoning was that it was the most dangerous place in the game.
It started to rain. Then the server crashed. Later that night I learned that the weapons were nerfed in the latest patch.
We spawned on a forested hill. Towards the north, where we headed, the hill dropped into a clear valley. Well, clear except for a highway, plus eight buildings surrounding the highway.
The first thing we did was accidentally anger zombies. They ran up the hill to eat us. I told my friend, "Don't worry. I got this with my makarov pistol."
I ended up not having this with my named-after-a-fish pistol. After clearing those zombies, my health was reduced to under 5,000, which meant seeing the world as a blurry white. My friend still had 7,000 health.
We snuck into the non-village. There we found nothing and agreed to go to the largest city on the East coast. We needed a hospital, bloodpacks. We crawled north, across the street, and hid a moment in a backyard. Between that building and the next forested hill, to the north, was a clearing roamed by twenty zombies. We decided to crawl through them. "This is like frogger." My friend said.
I replied something like, "Don't worry! I am an expert at sneaking past zombies. Just keep crawling; they won't see us."
Of course they saw us. I ended up using half of my fish ammo.
After I got eaten, my friend, who had escaped, got lost and bored. He realized that the game was really REALLY unforgiving, and noted that, when you aren't in danger, it is a "running-through-the-forest simulator." This observation is full of truth (in that it is true), and it underscores the importance of having a helicopter.
Eventually he reached the east coast, and I respawned (over and over for twenty minutes) on the westernest part of the southern coast. He followed railroad tracks till reaching a town with cranes. Once there he decided to climb a building, and, in an attempt to reach another building, by running over a gap between the two, he fell and died, lol. He also broke his legs (in the game).
After many respawnings, he respawned just east of the capital city, which is located in the center of the southern coast. We decided to meet each other in Cherno (i.e. the capitol); our reasoning was that it was the most dangerous place in the game.
It started to rain. Then the server crashed. Later that night I learned that the weapons were nerfed in the latest patch.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Day Z Coop Day 1
During the latest Steam Summer Sale I bought my high school Mormon friend Armed Assault II: Combined Operations. Before that purchase, I was worried that his parents would run out of reasons to think I'm evil. No seriously I bought it for him because I felt he'd learn beautiful things about human nature while playing it. I.e. I wanted to play DayZ with someone.
I had no idea if he would enjoy Dayz until Wednesday, when, before we had even played it together, he told me that DayZ was "amazing."
Without me asking, he said, "I played DayZ with six friends! And you didn't, and you played the game by yourself for twelve hours!"
After this horrible, bad conversation we started our DayZ coop. Here's what happened on day one.
First we spawned six kilometers away from each other. He was killed by zombies. I killed myself. Suicide is an important part of the DayZ experience, especially if you play it by yourself...
But this time I killed myself because we figured if we respawned enough times we would eventually spawn close to each other. And we were right. We both spawned at the 2nd largest city, Elektro.
As we headed north, towards the town center from the port, my friend caught the attention of a crawling zombie. He decided - against my advice of simply outrunning the crawling zombie - to climb up a ladder onto a building. Then, against my advice, he decided to run over the gap between roofs. He fell down said gap and broke his legs.
The zombie lost track of him.
He tried to kill himself, but because he was in shock or something the game wouldn't let him pull up the menu with the suicide button.
I didn't have any morphene to mend his bones (yes, that's what morphene does), so I decided to drag his body into the ocean. We fell into the ocean. He regained control of his controls and committed suicide, so my plan worked. Ten minutes later I was killed by zombies.
I spawned in Elektro's port again. My friend respawned a couple kilometers away; we agreed to meet north of Elektro at a powerplant. I swam to the west side of the city and sneaked past the infamous westside-of-Elektro zombies, reaching a forest. Northwest of the town, I saw the powerplant half a kilometer away, to the North of Elektro. Then shots. Bandits were trying to kill my Mormon friend!
Long story short, he was cornered by two assholes, and he tried to kill the assholes with a hatchet. Unfortunately his hatchet attack was soundly countered by their gun-firing strategy. He totally died, lol.
An hour after we had started playing, we met at a barn north of the city. There we found junk, and we alt-tabbed to our browsers to map our course. The Internet has maps, like this one. We decided that we should go to the barn northeast of the Topolka Dam. We needed something to drink, and we knew large barns tended to have survival goods (actually they tend to have empty soda cans).
On the way to said barn, we found a few zombies wandering the wilderness, an uncommon thing. My friend said, "I'm gonna kill one with my axe! Watch my mad skills, Paul!"
I responded with: "I don't think you should try killing any zombies right now. Seriously, don't kill any zombies. And remember the last time you didn't do what I said. You broke your legs and committed suicide in the ocean." As I was reminding him of how amazingly smart I was, from behind us this zombie attacks. "Look out!" I dramatically yelled. I pulled out my axe and murdered the zombie. We slaughtered the others. One of them had canned food :)
Eventually we reached that barn. In it were seven hatchets and a crowbar; my friend took the crowbar; later on he dropped the crowbar.
After deciding to murder all the zombies around the barn, we noticed that we would soon begin dying of thirst; we proceeded to the nearest town.
The next two hours shortened into seven sentences - we ended up hunting zombies with our axes. Our blood (or health) was low, but from the bodies of the undead, we had the soda we needed to quench our thirst.
The server crashed. We joined another server.
Later on we met up with one of the my friend's friends. He was wearing a ghillie suit and had a scoped AK-74. I was once killed by someone like that.
The server crashed.
I had no idea if he would enjoy Dayz until Wednesday, when, before we had even played it together, he told me that DayZ was "amazing."
Without me asking, he said, "I played DayZ with six friends! And you didn't, and you played the game by yourself for twelve hours!"
After this horrible, bad conversation we started our DayZ coop. Here's what happened on day one.
First we spawned six kilometers away from each other. He was killed by zombies. I killed myself. Suicide is an important part of the DayZ experience, especially if you play it by yourself...
But this time I killed myself because we figured if we respawned enough times we would eventually spawn close to each other. And we were right. We both spawned at the 2nd largest city, Elektro.
As we headed north, towards the town center from the port, my friend caught the attention of a crawling zombie. He decided - against my advice of simply outrunning the crawling zombie - to climb up a ladder onto a building. Then, against my advice, he decided to run over the gap between roofs. He fell down said gap and broke his legs.
The zombie lost track of him.
He tried to kill himself, but because he was in shock or something the game wouldn't let him pull up the menu with the suicide button.
I didn't have any morphene to mend his bones (yes, that's what morphene does), so I decided to drag his body into the ocean. We fell into the ocean. He regained control of his controls and committed suicide, so my plan worked. Ten minutes later I was killed by zombies.
I spawned in Elektro's port again. My friend respawned a couple kilometers away; we agreed to meet north of Elektro at a powerplant. I swam to the west side of the city and sneaked past the infamous westside-of-Elektro zombies, reaching a forest. Northwest of the town, I saw the powerplant half a kilometer away, to the North of Elektro. Then shots. Bandits were trying to kill my Mormon friend!
Long story short, he was cornered by two assholes, and he tried to kill the assholes with a hatchet. Unfortunately his hatchet attack was soundly countered by their gun-firing strategy. He totally died, lol.
An hour after we had started playing, we met at a barn north of the city. There we found junk, and we alt-tabbed to our browsers to map our course. The Internet has maps, like this one. We decided that we should go to the barn northeast of the Topolka Dam. We needed something to drink, and we knew large barns tended to have survival goods (actually they tend to have empty soda cans).
On the way to said barn, we found a few zombies wandering the wilderness, an uncommon thing. My friend said, "I'm gonna kill one with my axe! Watch my mad skills, Paul!"
I responded with: "I don't think you should try killing any zombies right now. Seriously, don't kill any zombies. And remember the last time you didn't do what I said. You broke your legs and committed suicide in the ocean." As I was reminding him of how amazingly smart I was, from behind us this zombie attacks. "Look out!" I dramatically yelled. I pulled out my axe and murdered the zombie. We slaughtered the others. One of them had canned food :)
Eventually we reached that barn. In it were seven hatchets and a crowbar; my friend took the crowbar; later on he dropped the crowbar.
After deciding to murder all the zombies around the barn, we noticed that we would soon begin dying of thirst; we proceeded to the nearest town.
The next two hours shortened into seven sentences - we ended up hunting zombies with our axes. Our blood (or health) was low, but from the bodies of the undead, we had the soda we needed to quench our thirst.
The server crashed. We joined another server.
Later on we met up with one of the my friend's friends. He was wearing a ghillie suit and had a scoped AK-74. I was once killed by someone like that.
The server crashed.
Total War: Shogun 2 Mobile Suit Gundam DLC now available
Creative Assembly have announced that the new super mega elite unit pack for Total War: Shogun 2 is available for download.
These new units come armed with weapons never seen in a Shogun game, such as nuclear missiles and giant laser swords. These "futuristic robots," says Sega, are "twenty times the size of the average soldier, can fly into space, and are masters at destroying everything that isn't another giant fighting robot."
The DLC costs five dollars and features two robots.
We at Stage Zero are concerned that a purchase of the DLC could result in a loss of five dollars. Why use the regular samurai soldiers when you can just use your mobile suit gundams? Balance problems, it smells.
These new units come armed with weapons never seen in a Shogun game, such as nuclear missiles and giant laser swords. These "futuristic robots," says Sega, are "twenty times the size of the average soldier, can fly into space, and are masters at destroying everything that isn't another giant fighting robot."
The DLC costs five dollars and features two robots.
We at Stage Zero are concerned that a purchase of the DLC could result in a loss of five dollars. Why use the regular samurai soldiers when you can just use your mobile suit gundams? Balance problems, it smells.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Day Z Diary, Part 1/1, Take 2
I lied. I had one, just one thrilling Day Z experience when I played it solo.
STORY!
After a playthrough that had until then lasted one and a half hours, I was running through a barn, in the middle of nowhere, while being chased by zombies. On the other side of the barn was a fence and a dirt road, and across that road was a small, unlocked house. And there were a dozen zombies staggering around.
I ran across the street and into the house, hoping the new zed didn't notice me. The zombies pursuing me got lost in the barn (their AI is thankfully dumb). I gave a sigh of sighing; then I searched the house for loot.
The sound of a jeep's engine. I stopped breathing (in real life). I went prone on the wooden floor.
I heard the jeep drive past the buildings, down the dirt road. And as the sound of its engine began to disappear, I got up.
"I am in the middle of nowhere. Was that guy tracking me? No...." The jeep sound returned. I returned to the floor.
There in front of my face was ammo for my automatic pistol.
Forgetting that grabbing loot means going into crouch, I grabbed the loot and crouched. While crouched I saw, through the window, a ghillie suit firing a silenced pistol at zombies.
I went prone again, hoping he didn't see me.
After a minute, the sounds of zombies and shots went away.
I crawled to the room where the front door was. I closed the front door and the other door separating the first room from the kitchen/dining room. It took me thirty seconds to close both doors, as Arma II's wonky object-interaction system made me open and close and open and close the front door over and over, ensuring that the ghillie suit man was going to investigate the house.
I got into a corner I didn't think he'd expect a player to hide in. I figured that he'd figure that I would be in the larger room. The corner I was actually in was right next to the front door.
Footsteps. My heart raced.
He entered. He had a scoped AK-74. He was looking at the closed door! I had fooled him!
I shot at him and missed too many times. He turned around, looking confused in the way a ghillie suit looks confused. He unloaded his automatic weapon in my direction.
STORY!
After a playthrough that had until then lasted one and a half hours, I was running through a barn, in the middle of nowhere, while being chased by zombies. On the other side of the barn was a fence and a dirt road, and across that road was a small, unlocked house. And there were a dozen zombies staggering around.
I ran across the street and into the house, hoping the new zed didn't notice me. The zombies pursuing me got lost in the barn (their AI is thankfully dumb). I gave a sigh of sighing; then I searched the house for loot.
The sound of a jeep's engine. I stopped breathing (in real life). I went prone on the wooden floor.
I heard the jeep drive past the buildings, down the dirt road. And as the sound of its engine began to disappear, I got up.
"I am in the middle of nowhere. Was that guy tracking me? No...." The jeep sound returned. I returned to the floor.
There in front of my face was ammo for my automatic pistol.
Forgetting that grabbing loot means going into crouch, I grabbed the loot and crouched. While crouched I saw, through the window, a ghillie suit firing a silenced pistol at zombies.
I went prone again, hoping he didn't see me.
After a minute, the sounds of zombies and shots went away.
I crawled to the room where the front door was. I closed the front door and the other door separating the first room from the kitchen/dining room. It took me thirty seconds to close both doors, as Arma II's wonky object-interaction system made me open and close and open and close the front door over and over, ensuring that the ghillie suit man was going to investigate the house.
I got into a corner I didn't think he'd expect a player to hide in. I figured that he'd figure that I would be in the larger room. The corner I was actually in was right next to the front door.
Footsteps. My heart raced.
He entered. He had a scoped AK-74. He was looking at the closed door! I had fooled him!
I shot at him and missed too many times. He turned around, looking confused in the way a ghillie suit looks confused. He unloaded his automatic weapon in my direction.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
In Other News
I WUV MY KEYBOARD! [sickening adorable face]
My keyboard feels like butter.
I mean it feels good. The keys press clickingly, smoothly; and the keyboard is big and heavy enough to kill with....I mean, my keyboard has a good heft.
My keyboard feels like butter.
I mean it feels good. The keys press clickingly, smoothly; and the keyboard is big and heavy enough to kill with....I mean, my keyboard has a good heft.
BIG GAMING SURPRISES!
Before I begin, just a reminder: I am on a break from writing. And this does not count as writing, and if it does then tomorrow I will do no writing. Minus some at work.
The first big surprise of the week is: I am still playing Day Z (the great multiplayer mod) singleplayerly. For some reason I want to badassify a character. Or: I want to make a character that will impress all my friends, if they were to suddenly appear on the same server, in the same place, at the same time, aka suddenly care about Day Z. So basically I'm preparing for the not-going-to-happen. Yeh!
Plus I want night vision goggles. Something about being in a zombie apocalypse and having night vision goggles (at the same time, in the same game) makes me happy. At least thinking about it makes me happy. I don't know if it actually happening will make me happy. Maybe I will get my night vision goggles and then suddenly be killed....
Anyways! The second big surprise is: Diablo III hardcore coop is actually kind of fun. With a friend. Plus there's the patch that makes the monsters not more damaging just because more players have joined the game. This patch precludes enemy damage spikes (i.e. instant player death). It also makes the strategy of play-the-game-in-the-non-hardcore-mode-to-be-ready-for-the-hardcore-mode no longer promotable. Yeah it's still true that the practice in the non-hardcore mode will make you less likely to perma-die, but, unlike the past, it is not THE way to beat Hardcore mode.
All that is to say: Hardcore Mode Diablo III seems fixed. Plus not many people are playing Diablo III, making the servers not lag.
All that is to say: Hardcore Mode Diablo III seems fixed. Plus not many people are playing Diablo III, making the servers not lag.
In conclusion, I am not writing. Not rewriting. Will not write tomorrow.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Taking a Break
I am going to try to take a break from writing. Just for a week. I have a bunch of random work to do (on top of the day job). A little stressed. Just want to relax with some gaming, with friends (rainbow :).
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Day Z Singleplayer Review
Don't play Day Z without a friend.
You know how they say Day Z is the closest thing we have to a zombie apocalypse simulator (woo hoo)? And you know how everyone says that, in a zombie apocalypse, being friendless and quite often attacked by zombies and trigger-happy other survivors makes you feel extra lonely?
Well that's what playing Day Z without friends is like. You could meet a friendly survivor. But chances of meeting a friendly survivor (in my experience) are 30%; and (in my experience) they nice ones tend to be dying when you meet them, and have lost the will to kill you. Sad, I know.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
ARMA II Singleplayer (REVIEW)
Being a former lover of Operation Flashpoint: Cold War Crisis, I was stunned (yes! stunned!) by all the unhappy reviews of Armed Assault II. And so, finally, I have played a day's worth of Armed Assault II to make my own opinion.
My opinion is that the singleplayer portion of Armed Assault II is unhappy.
Armed Assault II's singpleplayer is basically Operation Flashpoint's singleplayer with better graphics and worse writing.
In the campaign, you play as a modern day, Force Recon marine being manly behind the lines of a "communist" division of retards who've failed to realize that the Soviet Union died. Said division has also failed to realize that trying to defeat today's United States military, conventional warfare-style, is even dumberer.
To balance this out, your spec ops team of manliness (Team Razer) is incidentally also composed of dumbasses. They are so dumbfoundingly stupid that I wonder if Bohemia Interactive intended it. Example of their stupidness: When we spec ops goons were in the huey helicopter flying towards the LZ for our first mission, one of them asked "So what's the terrain like?" And then his ex-teammates didn't throw him off the helicopter for being the worst commando in the universe.
HE'S ON THE HELICOPTER HEADED FOR THE LZ AND NOW HE'S ASKING WHAT THE TERRAIN'S LIKE?...
Later on they marines continued to say a bunch of retarded, gung-ho things in weak-body, nerd accents. And often their sayings would make no sense given what they had just said. Here's an example (not an exact quote): "Get you're (bad word) (badword) together marine. The enemy isn't going to make it easier on you when you fail to do stuff." Followed by, "Meesa like ice cream!" Does Bohemia Interactive think humans talk like that? NO! What happened is that they worked hard on making the Direct X 9 version of Operation Flashpoint: Cold War Crisis, and not on writing dialogue that should exist.
The writing wasn't good in Flashpoint either, but at least I was younger and retardeder when I played that one. I don't recall it being this horrid.
[I have positive things to say: three years after its release, Arma II runs pretty well, even on today's low-end gaming PCs. Also, the forests look really foresty; given the history of computer games forests, this is quite an accomplishment. Also, I like Bohemia Interactive. Operation Flashpoint: Cold War Crisis was one of the best games I ever played.]
Now pretend that you ask, "But what about Operation Arrowhead? The U.S. Army in 'Takistan' campaign?" Well, I couldn't get myself to play it. But before you dismiss this review as tripe, here's why I couldn't: Arma II's singleplayer missions and tutorials failed to activate mission-and-tutorial-ending triggers 4/10 times on my machine. So, uh, yeah I didn't want to play an entire campaign of potentially-4/10-times-the-level-won't-end-for-some-buggy-reason. Back when I was a kid I might have, but again, kids are stupid.
So why buy Armed Assault II: Combined Operations if you're not going to play Day Z? Right now I don't know. I imagine that the coop or team vs. team multiplayer might be cool, with it's playing-military-with-actual-non-Team-Razer-people. Although I do fear that multiplayer missions won't end 4/10 times.
My opinion is that the singleplayer portion of Armed Assault II is unhappy.
Armed Assault II's singpleplayer is basically Operation Flashpoint's singleplayer with better graphics and worse writing.
In the campaign, you play as a modern day, Force Recon marine being manly behind the lines of a "communist" division of retards who've failed to realize that the Soviet Union died. Said division has also failed to realize that trying to defeat today's United States military, conventional warfare-style, is even dumberer.
To balance this out, your spec ops team of manliness (Team Razer) is incidentally also composed of dumbasses. They are so dumbfoundingly stupid that I wonder if Bohemia Interactive intended it. Example of their stupidness: When we spec ops goons were in the huey helicopter flying towards the LZ for our first mission, one of them asked "So what's the terrain like?" And then his ex-teammates didn't throw him off the helicopter for being the worst commando in the universe.
HE'S ON THE HELICOPTER HEADED FOR THE LZ AND NOW HE'S ASKING WHAT THE TERRAIN'S LIKE?...
Later on they marines continued to say a bunch of retarded, gung-ho things in weak-body, nerd accents. And often their sayings would make no sense given what they had just said. Here's an example (not an exact quote): "Get you're (bad word) (badword) together marine. The enemy isn't going to make it easier on you when you fail to do stuff." Followed by, "Meesa like ice cream!" Does Bohemia Interactive think humans talk like that? NO! What happened is that they worked hard on making the Direct X 9 version of Operation Flashpoint: Cold War Crisis, and not on writing dialogue that should exist.
The writing wasn't good in Flashpoint either, but at least I was younger and retardeder when I played that one. I don't recall it being this horrid.
[I have positive things to say: three years after its release, Arma II runs pretty well, even on today's low-end gaming PCs. Also, the forests look really foresty; given the history of computer games forests, this is quite an accomplishment. Also, I like Bohemia Interactive. Operation Flashpoint: Cold War Crisis was one of the best games I ever played.]
Now pretend that you ask, "But what about Operation Arrowhead? The U.S. Army in 'Takistan' campaign?" Well, I couldn't get myself to play it. But before you dismiss this review as tripe, here's why I couldn't: Arma II's singleplayer missions and tutorials failed to activate mission-and-tutorial-ending triggers 4/10 times on my machine. So, uh, yeah I didn't want to play an entire campaign of potentially-4/10-times-the-level-won't-end-for-some-buggy-reason. Back when I was a kid I might have, but again, kids are stupid.
So why buy Armed Assault II: Combined Operations if you're not going to play Day Z? Right now I don't know. I imagine that the coop or team vs. team multiplayer might be cool, with it's playing-military-with-actual-non-Team-Razer-people. Although I do fear that multiplayer missions won't end 4/10 times.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Amnesia: The Dark Descent (REVIEW)
Because not many games sites have reviewed Amnesia, this time I will write a comprehensive review explaining all the things that make this game great (and not).
Just kidding! FART
Seriously. Under this line I begin a serious review.
Amnesia: The Dark Descent is about Daniel, who is suffering from amnesia and is making a dark descent. But there is something that makes his amnesia not merely another boring amnesia: he is suffering amnesia in a horrible castle of horror. It's the type castle wherein the only living things are giant cockroaches and rats, plus a few people. And the deeper Daniel goes, the more tortured cadavers, and the more memories of their becoming cadavers, he finds. There are blood splatters. There's this pink, dangerous, throbbing matter slowly growing throughout the place. And almost everything is the color dark.
So you, Daniel, will need to light candles - when it is possible and desirable - and NOT run out of oil for your lantern, for staying in darkness too long makes you - the player - go insane and that makes the screen go blurry (you will hope: temporarily blurry). The game's developers understand that blurry darkness is scarier than just blurry or darkness. And they threw in dangerous monsters, here and there, whom you cannot fight; looking at the visible, mutilated monsters makes the screen blurrier.
What I am saying is Amnesia: The Dark Descent is excellent. Not excellent as in "fun," but excellent as in "makes you scared." The world needs more of these.
It's not just the darkness that makes the game scary. It's the scary music. The scary monsters (whom you cannot fight, but can only hide and run from). It's that running out of oil and hoping that you'll find more. It's the medieval torture devices and your imaginings of how they were used, combined with Daniel's memories of the begging and screaming. It's the slow revealing of the kind of person our hero Daniel is. And there's little of the cliche SURPRISE!! A MONSTER!!! BOO!!!!
Amnesia won't make you pee your pants, I think, but I think it will raise the hair on your arms. Thus it is good.
The game plays in the first person, gives you no weapons, and has manifold puzzles, and not too many.
Seriously. Under this line I begin a serious review.
Amnesia: The Dark Descent is about Daniel, who is suffering from amnesia and is making a dark descent. But there is something that makes his amnesia not merely another boring amnesia: he is suffering amnesia in a horrible castle of horror. It's the type castle wherein the only living things are giant cockroaches and rats, plus a few people. And the deeper Daniel goes, the more tortured cadavers, and the more memories of their becoming cadavers, he finds. There are blood splatters. There's this pink, dangerous, throbbing matter slowly growing throughout the place. And almost everything is the color dark.
So you, Daniel, will need to light candles - when it is possible and desirable - and NOT run out of oil for your lantern, for staying in darkness too long makes you - the player - go insane and that makes the screen go blurry (you will hope: temporarily blurry). The game's developers understand that blurry darkness is scarier than just blurry or darkness. And they threw in dangerous monsters, here and there, whom you cannot fight; looking at the visible, mutilated monsters makes the screen blurrier.
What I am saying is Amnesia: The Dark Descent is excellent. Not excellent as in "fun," but excellent as in "makes you scared." The world needs more of these.
It's not just the darkness that makes the game scary. It's the scary music. The scary monsters (whom you cannot fight, but can only hide and run from). It's that running out of oil and hoping that you'll find more. It's the medieval torture devices and your imaginings of how they were used, combined with Daniel's memories of the begging and screaming. It's the slow revealing of the kind of person our hero Daniel is. And there's little of the cliche SURPRISE!! A MONSTER!!! BOO!!!!
Amnesia won't make you pee your pants, I think, but I think it will raise the hair on your arms. Thus it is good.
The game plays in the first person, gives you no weapons, and has manifold puzzles, and not too many.
Kickstarter Project: Give Me Your Money
Hi. My name is Ralph, and, through Kickstarter, I want you to give me lots of money. The thing is, I don't want to get a boring, soul-crushing, full time job. I just want the money, because money would allow me to do much more of the things I like, like play computer games, buy prostitutes, and eat microwaveable food.
PLEDGE $10 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $10.
PLEDGE $25 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $25.
PLEDGE $50 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $50.
PLEDGE $100 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $100.
PLEDGE $500 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $500.
PLEDGE $1,000 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $1,000.
PLEDGE $2,500 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $2,500.
PLEDGE $5,000 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $5,000.
PLEDGE $10,000 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $10,000.
I, Ralph, pledge to give 5% of the profits back to the Kickstarter community. More information on Kicking it Forward
PLEDGE $10 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $10.
PLEDGE $25 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $25.
PLEDGE $50 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $50.
PLEDGE $100 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $100.
PLEDGE $500 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $500.
PLEDGE $1,000 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $1,000.
PLEDGE $2,500 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $2,500.
PLEDGE $5,000 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $5,000.
PLEDGE $10,000 AND YOU WILL GIVE ME $10,000.
I, Ralph, pledge to give 5% of the profits back to the Kickstarter community. More information on Kicking it Forward
Thursday, July 12, 2012
What to Be Excited About
As saturnine and pessimistic as I am about everything, I'll admit: gaming is beautiful. And it has some exciting things going on, which I will discuss below this sentence.
Little Ouya the Console System. I'm putting this on the list because I pledged $99 to the project. I am 50% sure the project will fail in the long run, because it sounds too good. A pro-indie console system, not being funded by billionares, that costs more than $100 to make, yet is sold for $100 dollars, and runs on a micro-transaction, free-to-play business model. It so might not make it. I HOPE IT MAKES IT. NINETY-NINE DOLLARS!
Day Z: Game companies are doing a bad job convincing me that we need new, global warming-boosting, super computer consoles. Unless I consider Bohemia Interactive.
Can you imagine awesome, open-world games with graphics like Arma III's? Yes? And it doesn't really matter? Okay. True. Direct X 9 looks good enough. And there's Arma II, which looks good enough, although moves awkwardly (but really, that's just bad design).
And there's Day Z, which apparently will go a Minecraft business model and won't rely on Arma III? We'll see. For now the alpha version of the mod is Rockpapershotgun's game of the year.
The World Economy Not Collapsing: This of course is hopeful thinking, as everything looks like apocalypse. The average 1st worlder isn't willing to sacrifice comfort and instant gratifications to do the things that would make their lives worth living.
And the governments are out of money. Unemployment is rising. Daily work hours are increasing. The increased pay rate remains below the increased rate of inflation. Too many people still marry not because of friendship, but because of money, "love," and the desperate need to perpetuate their genes no matter the torture and irrelevance it imposes on everyone. The cowardly U.S. legislature hates itself too much to do what must be done. And the presidential candidates suck.
Also, global warming, and the small possibility that the Sun will wipe away our electricity next year in a powerful coronal mass ejection.
Cool Indie Games: Nobody can stress enough the good that is independent artists. So what - that not all their work's good? At least they make original things with the potential of being awesome. As opposed to almost every big game company; although, yes, there are exceptions to the all-big-game-publisher-games-are-crap rule, Xenoblade Chronicles being this year's example.
Valve: Because Valve is Valve.
My humor writing: It is gaming-related. No lie.
Little Ouya the Console System. I'm putting this on the list because I pledged $99 to the project. I am 50% sure the project will fail in the long run, because it sounds too good. A pro-indie console system, not being funded by billionares, that costs more than $100 to make, yet is sold for $100 dollars, and runs on a micro-transaction, free-to-play business model. It so might not make it. I HOPE IT MAKES IT. NINETY-NINE DOLLARS!
Day Z: Game companies are doing a bad job convincing me that we need new, global warming-boosting, super computer consoles. Unless I consider Bohemia Interactive.
Can you imagine awesome, open-world games with graphics like Arma III's? Yes? And it doesn't really matter? Okay. True. Direct X 9 looks good enough. And there's Arma II, which looks good enough, although moves awkwardly (but really, that's just bad design).
And there's Day Z, which apparently will go a Minecraft business model and won't rely on Arma III? We'll see. For now the alpha version of the mod is Rockpapershotgun's game of the year.
The World Economy Not Collapsing: This of course is hopeful thinking, as everything looks like apocalypse. The average 1st worlder isn't willing to sacrifice comfort and instant gratifications to do the things that would make their lives worth living.
And the governments are out of money. Unemployment is rising. Daily work hours are increasing. The increased pay rate remains below the increased rate of inflation. Too many people still marry not because of friendship, but because of money, "love," and the desperate need to perpetuate their genes no matter the torture and irrelevance it imposes on everyone. The cowardly U.S. legislature hates itself too much to do what must be done. And the presidential candidates suck.
Also, global warming, and the small possibility that the Sun will wipe away our electricity next year in a powerful coronal mass ejection.
Cool Indie Games: Nobody can stress enough the good that is independent artists. So what - that not all their work's good? At least they make original things with the potential of being awesome. As opposed to almost every big game company; although, yes, there are exceptions to the all-big-game-publisher-games-are-crap rule, Xenoblade Chronicles being this year's example.
Valve: Because Valve is Valve.
My humor writing: It is gaming-related. No lie.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
John's Kickstarter Pitch, Transcribed
"Hi motherfuckers!
I'm doing like this project on the tropes vs. the abortions of homogay colored babies in video games.
I'm like very surprised that, like, no one's done an analysis of the abortions of homo colored babies in video games, 'cause there's a lotta them.
Here's an example from the 21st century cartoon Samurai Jack:
[Show clip of Samurai Jack killing Chinese dragon monster]
As you can see, this cartoon is, like, super boring. My plan is to analyze video games in the same way I just analyzed this cartoon.
I will analyze just twelve video games, although there are lots with the problems. I will put twelve analysises videos on the Internet, one each month. But I won't do it without your kickstarter help. I need 150,000 dollars.
It takes a lot of time to research shit, and money means time, and time means money, and money means 150,000 dollars, so I can make like the tropes vs. the fag aborted fetuses that are black in video games."
I'm doing like this project on the tropes vs. the abortions of homogay colored babies in video games.
I'm like very surprised that, like, no one's done an analysis of the abortions of homo colored babies in video games, 'cause there's a lotta them.
Here's an example from the 21st century cartoon Samurai Jack:
[Show clip of Samurai Jack killing Chinese dragon monster]
As you can see, this cartoon is, like, super boring. My plan is to analyze video games in the same way I just analyzed this cartoon.
I will analyze just twelve video games, although there are lots with the problems. I will put twelve analysises videos on the Internet, one each month. But I won't do it without your kickstarter help. I need 150,000 dollars.
It takes a lot of time to research shit, and money means time, and time means money, and money means 150,000 dollars, so I can make like the tropes vs. the fag aborted fetuses that are black in video games."
Monday, July 9, 2012
Advertisement for Xtreme Pizza
"This is our advertisement for Xtreme Pizza. Our pizza is so good that it will make you fat, so buy lots of our pizza so we can make money. Our pizza is called Xtreme Pizza because it is extreme."
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