Super Meat Boy Review?

I started playing this game in 2010, and according to the Steam achievements list I'm only 33% done with it! Which is great, because I love it! And just now as I typed the last sentence, I realized that I have a late reviewer's problem. (Darn you -- Spending 2011 In the Jungle Gamer Hell!) All my readers (all of them I say!) already know enough 'review' of the Super Meat Boy; you heard all about it from others OR you've already played a lot of it. Reading my carnality-filled review of it would be a boring waste of your time. Here: ★★★★★! That's the Stage Zero Super Meat Boy review score!

So, in light of this, instead of a review, I'm going to write something of a How-to-Enjoy guide, because I won't lie: for my first ten hours of Super Meat Boy, I didn't really like it.

And now, my secret to enjoying Super Meat Boy, that I give to you, is: to play it a level or two a day. Not at first, of course! The Light World 'Forest levels' are so easy that you might as well play them all in a sitting or two. And the first Light World 'Salt Factory' levels are also easy enough that you might want to do half of them per day (for only two days). But as for the rest of the game, one or two levels a day. Why? Because the game gets HARD. There are actual people who claim to have spent ACTUAL DAYS on a single (actual) level (for the record, those people are terrible at Super Meat Boy). But gamer elitism aside, I do recommend playing only a few levels a day because, if you don't, you will feel frustrated. The stress of doing hard level after hard level after hard level will build up, and the game will feel monotonous (it is after all a 300+ level game based on only a few gameplay mechanics). And to reinforce this point, remember this: Edmund McMillen (half of the Super Meat Boy team, Team Meat) said in a Gamasutra interview: "I don't want people to invest more than an hour plus into a play session, it seems unfair. That's not what I'm about." Is this a quote about not making evil marathon-game-session games and is therefore awesome? Yes! Is it taken out of context? Definitely not!

Another smaller tip, which doubles as purchasing advice: when you play with the gamepad (PC players! You'll want a working gamepad! I'm not sure if it's better than the keyboard but I act like it is! I'm not sorry!) Use the right trigger as your run button. Trying to hold down the blue X-button and the yellow A-button at the same time with the same finger will tire out that thumb and make you press "run" or "jump" when you don't want to.

And one more purchasing tip (Oh good! This is sort of a review!). It is: if you have a 360 and don't have a PC that can run 360 games at 1080p, and you want Super Meat Boy NOW, then go ahead and get it (for 360). Both versions come with certain perks, but the nice thing about the XBOX 360 version is that it won't have any bugs. I.e. the PC version may have bugs. Not game-ruining ones, but still, bugs. It's just the issue of having a developer of two people patch a game for every PC configuration: AKA impossible. But if you really really want SMB on Steam, go ahead and wait for your PC to upgrade. It's not a beautiful game, but it is a cool-looking one with a very particular aesthetic that you'll want to play at at least 1080p at 60-ish FPS.

Super Meat Boy (by Team Meat) is available on XBLA and Steam for $15.00 (800 gamerpoints). The PC version was released on Nov. 30, 2010. The XBOX 360 version was released on October 20, 2010. Since then it has been downloaded over one million times. It is also available for Mac and Linux.

Why Super Meat Boy's Hell Boss Battle is better than Rayman Origins' Underworld Boss Battle

This is not a thinly disguised rant against Rayman Origins. Rather it's descriptions of why the Hell Boss Battle in Super Meat Boy is both similar to and a thousand infinity times better than the Underworld Boss Battle in the Rayman game that has disco.

So first, similarities:

One way they're similar is that both fights are in Hell, despite what Rayman's E10+ ESRB rating says. Another way is that there's lava on the ground and that you shouldn't touch it. Another other way is that there is ugliness and gender involved; the Underworld boss being an ugly woman, the Hell boss being an ugly man; #4 is that the boss battles are nothing to write a blog post about.

Oh! And the big important similarity is that you are extremely likely to die on your first five or ten tries to defeat those bosses; i.e. there's stuff you'll need to memorize.

So now, what makes SMB's better? And the answer is: it's the amount of time you have to wait between death and play. Normally in Super Meat Boy, when you die, you're five or ten seconds behind that moment of death. In the Hell Boss Battle, maybe thirty seconds if you died near the end of the fight. However, in Rayman Origins you're a minute or two or three from your death to the moment of you'll hope you've memorized. And it's really annoying. And it's extra annoying not being able to start the battle within the first five seconds of respawning.

And that's it.

I was Wrong! Super Meat Boy is Good!

Oh, how good it feels to admit I was wrong! That my former mind was weaker! That I am now smarter than my dumberer self!

Back when I was young and stupid (2010) I wrote that Super Meat Boy was a "monotonous" "penis-crusher" of a game. Well, this year (2012) I've been playing bits of that superb indie platformer, and I have found a play-style that prevents it from feeling monotonous.

And about the "penis-crusher" thing, I'm not sure what I meant with that. The game, now, doesn't seem to crush penis. Maybe the description had something to do with the game being hard, and that somehow that crushes penises.....

But anyways, the monotony thing: the way to prevent monotony from setting in while playing with Super Meat Boy is: to not play with it so often. And that is it! Simple. And it is easy to do since Super Meat Boy isn't an evil addictive game in anyway. At least, as long as you play it on Steam it's not addictive. I imagine that, with XBOX Live achievements being worth "points," Super Meat Boy's super-hard-to-get achievements could be tantalizing, somehow. But at the same time, no; Super Meat Boy isn't addictive. It's just good and hard. For not realizing this a year ago I will now write something beautiful:

Oh Team Meat!

Your game is neat!

During twenty-eleven I thought of playing Super Meat Boy,

in Costa Rica, where I couldn't play Super Meat Boy.

This is bad poetry.

To what depths go my low-etry?

"Low-etry" isn't even a word.

Washing machine.

Why I won't finish off Super Meat Boy

I stopped playing Super Meat Boy (no it's not what you think Chrystal) because, after a while, it evolved into being the same experience over and over again. And it's too long (no Chrystal). But it's not really too hard (Chrystal).

It just gets too samey over time. I don't care that it has an original story (it has squirrel genocide); I don't care how good the music and artwork are; I don't even care that the gameplay is super tight.

Actually, one of the problems is its celebrated gameplay! Which has one, big, throbbing inadequacy: Succeeding in Super Meat Boy means, to a large extent, memorizing the various positions you must get your avatar to, and at what exact moments. You have to memorize and precisely, PERFECTLY jerk your controller's buttons to get Super Meat Boy from one position to another, until you cross the map; and you will do this a billion times, going back and forth, back and forth -- restarting and doing it again! This is the case on most maps. And the game is entirely composed of maps. And I think there are 300 of them.

Although my desire to suck this hard game down prematurely came to an end -- Those of you who have an XBOX 360 controller, I recommend that you buy Super Meat Boy, and beat him! Because, as gratuitously hard and long as it can be, Super Meat Boy has a lot of love to give you, and for a low price (15 bucks, and sometimes less!).