How to Choose Your Mouse and Keyboard

Hello everybody! Today I give you mice and keyboards-buying advice. Specifically for gaming. Beginning with mice.

There are two schools of thought on mice. One's called the Get-a-Comfortable-Laser-Mouse-that-Is-Durable-and-Works University of Smart People, and then there's the other called the We'll-Buy-Anything-if-It's-Dark-and-Made-by-Razer Kindergarten Class of Yay It's Recess.

Now, many of you who have seen the prices of Razer mice might be thinking, "Why would anyone be childish enough to buy a Razer mouse?" And the answer has to do with The Claw. That is, the shape your hand makes as you hold the mouse (think "talons" -- or "eagle hands"). Many hardcore gamers in the First-person shooting and real-time strategy communities like claw-inducing mice because....well......I actually don't know why. In fact in my experience, claw mice seem most effective at making long, click-heavy game sessions uncomfortable.

Not that I'm saying the Razer school is completely wrong and composed of easily-manipulated, primarily male money-wasters. Razer mice are light, built to last, are easy to clean, and look silly with their 'snake' LED lights. Also they come in black. You can buy them on the Internet.

Both schools of thought happen to be against insertable weights. Weights make things heavier.

If you like to snipe others (in games), you might want to look at the R.A.T. 7, as it has a dedicated sniper button that raises and lowers the mouse sensitivity between two configurable settings. And when you've finished looking at the R.A.T. 7, go buy some other mouse, as many R.A.T. 7s tend to develop tracking issues. Mine did. It cost $99.

The best advice of all is to get rich and buy all the best-reviewed mice and then dump all the ones you don't like onto starving, poor people. Also, you could look for a store that lets you hold the mice, click the mice, pet the mice.

And now, keyboards!

There are many schools of thought on keyboarding, and I've compiled what I believe are their least silly views.

Least silly view number one: More than anything else, you want a keyboard that won't break. And yes, all keyboards are designed to break.

The next views worth looking at concern weight and stuff.

Do you walk, instead of drive, to millions of LAN parties? If so, you should get a light keyboard.

Do your LAN parties feature very little table space? Then get a small, quiet keyboard.

Otherwise you want a big, heavy, mechanical keyboard. The kind that can be used as a melee weapon and whose key-pressings sound like banging rocks.

And that's it! This post ends with answers to frequently asked askings:

A) Should I get a wired mouse or a wireless mouse?
A) Yes.

A) Should I get a keyboard with LED lights or no?
A) Ask your primary care provider.

A) Should I get a high-quality mousepad for a low price?
A) No.