Why We Must Go Nuclear

We need to go nuclear so that we can fight Global Warming so that we can keep playing computer games. 


Now I know some Ukranian and Japanese and Earth people may think this is not the way to go. But they're wrong.


Here's why: according to the people who live in university buildings, the world is going to end if we don't stop Global Warming next year (Scientific Formula: Current Year + 1 = Next Year). And according to Germans, the only way to get us off greenhouse gases is to go nuclear. So we must go nuclear.


I will admit though, I'm not sure exactly what they mean by "go nuclear." I know going it would fix our energy/global warming problems, but does it mean we build nuclear power plants or nuclear weapons? 


I'm just kidding, of course. They mean both. 

First let's deal with the nuclear weapons bit. We already have a billion of them. So we're safe there. Now let's move on to the nuclear power plant bit.

I understand that some of you may think nuclear power plants are bad, with their mutating our children into five-headed people qualities (although, five heads are better than one; just sayin'). Plus the plants explode and destroy the nations they're in. Yeah, that sounds pretty bad. But I bet, if you read through my summary of the nuclear power plants incidents, you'll find that said incidents are, in the future, quite avoidable.

1) The 3-Mile Island Nuclear hoedown: This, readers, was caused by the company not training its employees how to do the things necessary to run a nuclear power plant. For one thing, nobody told them where the plant was. So they were unable to run the plant. Then suddenly on the news there's this nuclear meltdown, and the workers were like, "Oh! It's in Pennsylvania!"

2) The Chernobyl Thingy: Basically, this one occurred because the interface between the power plant workers and the nuclear meltdown was completely unintuitive. For one thing, whenever the plant had an issue, the plant's main screen would light up and show the workers these options: "Battleship"; "Chess"; "Pong"; "War and Peace (the video game)." And you'd think they'd pick Pong. But in Pong they had to win many matches before the plant would say what the issue was. So they normally picked Battleship. Anyways, it was because of this system that they couldn't stop the plant from exploding.

3) The Fukushima Nuclear Tsunami Incident: Basically the problem with this plant was that it was in Japan.

So there! All we need to do to prevent nuclear power plant-related nuclear reactor meltdowns is to make sure we: one, train the nuclear power plant workers; two, make it so the workers don't have to beat video games to see the status of their plants; and three, not have any of these plants in Japan. It's not like Japan needs electricity.

And we have to do this. Otherwise we will either be forced to abandon electrical devices "at the last minute" and not be able to play computer games, or we'll be destroyed by Global Warming and not be able to play computer games. Either of those would make life not worth living.