Square-Enix Reaches Out to Female Gamers by Killing Prostitute Nuns, Beating the Shit Out of Lara Croft

This month Square-Enix released an ad for the new stupid Hitman game plus the E3 presentation of their next big Tomb Raider game. 

Here's the Hitman ad. Yes. Women are so going to pre-order this game.

As for the Tomb Raiderness, Square's done a lot to make the next entry in the series appeal to women. The new Lara Croft is younger, says "sorry" to animals after killing them, will have a hot voice actress, and no longer has nuclear missile-sized titties*. Her garbanzos are smaller now, and this should connect with more women; not that we at Stage Zero are saying that most women's garbanzos are lesser than the big garbanzos of women who have big garbanzos. We think small garbanzos are great! They're awesome!

Anyways, Square-Enix has also made it so that Lara demonstrates tons of girl power™, mostly by having her get raped. Not literally raped, of course. The journalists at the E3 presentation weren't applauding a female video game protagonist getting raped. That would be aaawk-waaard. No, what happened was we saw the new Lara get brutalized more than any other gaming protagonist in any other game ever. Am I wrong about that? Doesn't matter. Lara gets totally raped up. Thus women will definitely love this game. Only Kratos (a buff, half-naked guy) comes close to getting as raped as Lara; Kratos gets a pillar and a sword thrust through his abdomen; Lara gets a spike stuck thrust into her body, plus a million other things. According to the YouTube comments sections, many male gamers are excited for this game.

Stay tuned to Stage Zero for more stories of feminism in gaming.

*"titties" means "garbanzos," i.e. boobage.