What I Want to See In Mass Effect 3

Mass Effect 3 is about to literally take over the Earth! And actually-credible games journalists, with their early review copies, are going mad with happiness over how apparently awesome it is, how they've already played it and we haven't, and also how shocking its shocking surprises are, all of which they love and feel will galvanize many hardcore gamers, in the way only hardcore gamers can be galvanized, which largely involves message boards and illiteracy. And now you ask us, "Do you at Stage Zero even know what "galvanize" means?" "Not important!" We answer. But instead, what IS important is what Paul Fenoglio (the writer of this post) wants to see in Mass Effect 3. Yes, the website staff have agreed this is the important thing. We have convinced him, by giving him a new XBOX 360 controller (using money we stole from him), to tell everyone what he wants to see. Now he begins writing.

What I, the amazing Paul Fenoglio, want to see in Mass Effect 3 are:

#1 A fivesome sex scene. The Mass Effect series might be the first AAA video game to introduce interspecies girl-on-girlism, and this indeed is two steps in the right direction, but now I want to see five. And specifically I want ME3's sex scene to feature Fem Shep, Liara, Bro Shep, my XBOX Live avatar, and HK-47. Oooh yeeeeeah.

#2 I want to see some combat, but not too much. I've been analyzing the pre-release trailers of ME3, and I'm happy to report to you that it appears that the game will feature some combat. I just hope there isn't too much.

#3 I want ice cream to play a big role in the game. Specifically, I want to see every character holding an ice cream cone, including the reapers, including the giant Reaper ships. There will be ice cream cones everywhere! IDI will accidentally drop her ice cream onto Seth Green's pants. Ice cream will melt! I WANT TO SEE SOME FREAKIN' ICE CREAM!

#4 I want to see real money flow into my bank account due to my playing this game. XBOX Live achievements are boring. GIMME MONEY! Preferably every time someone in the game buys an ice cream.

#5 I want to see no objectifying of women! And I want the camera not to focus on the boobs and asses of the new female characters (with the old one's it's okay, for nostalgia's sake). I also want the new female characters to not have boobs that are so big that they distract the enemy during fights, causing them to drop their weapons and beg them (the boobs) to let them be their slaves. I'm just kidding, of course.